Joss Whedon Offers to Buy Terminator Franchise

In an open letter to the owners of the franchise, Joss Whedon offers some ideas and veiled criticism of the series’ current direction.

From :

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners.
From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma’ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the
movie) (or the new series) (or the one where ‘hood’ was capitalized
’cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard
through the ‘grapevine’ that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and
I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio
up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on
TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off
your hands.

No, you didn’t miscount. That’s four — FOUR! — zeroes after that one.
That’s to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki
Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here’s what I have
to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don’t ever
notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our
culture — and my pretend play — as any I can think of. It’s far from
over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering
names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what
I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator… of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO
far… back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the
Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be
Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he’s a
cyborg and he doesn’t give a s#&% about the ring — it has no power
over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some
orcs while he’s doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I
will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There’s a reason they’re called "Summer" movies.

3) Can you say… musical? Well don’t. Even I know that’s an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale’s John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will
also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main
objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there’s a lot
of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar — and
dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There’s more — this brain don’t quit! (though it has
occasionally been fired) — but I think you get my drift. I really
believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of
questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I’d like to
shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more
importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think
about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the
Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than
any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current
franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

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Posted originally: 2009-11-02 18:07:01

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